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Agatha's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words.
From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does fgrpl spell?"
"Nothing," Agatha said.
Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does doeb spell?"
"Nothing," Agatha answered.
This went on for several weeks.
Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does lmdz spell?"
Agatha smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."
The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell 'Nothing'!"
As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlor the family discusses funeral arrangements.
Son Gary says, "We'll make a real big thing out of it. We'll have five hundred people. We'll order fifty limos."
Daughter Grace says, "Why do you want to waste money like that? We'll have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for us."
They proceed. Grandson Jeff says, "We'll have lots of flowers. We'll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and dozens."
Daughter Alice says, "What a waste! We'll have one little bouquet, that's enough."
Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the bedroom, "Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk to the cemetery."
Two old men meet on a street corner. The first old man said, "Where have you been for the last couple of months?"
The second old man replied, "I was in jail."
The firsst old man asked, "You were in jail? Why were you in jail?"
He replied, "Well, about two months ago I was standing on a corner, and this beautiful young woman rushes up with a policeman, points to me and says, 'He is the man, officer, he is the one who attacked and raped me'."
The first old man said, "What? And you let her get away with it?"
Second old replied, "Well, I'll tell you, I felt so flattered, I admitted to it."
After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink.
"You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us."
Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said.
"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."
So he dutifully retired to the kitchen.
A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?"
A new blonde employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.
"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
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