One day a man was digging a hole to plant a tree in his back yard. After digging about 2 feet he hit a lamp, so he picked it up and brushed it off. Suddenly out popped a Genie who said he would grant him three wishes.
"Great!" the man explained.
"However," said the genie, "I must know who you hate the most."
"I hate that lawyer down the street the most." the man said.
"Well," said the genie, "whatever you wish for, the lawyer gets double that."
Eager to get his wishing started, the man exclaimed, "I wish I had a billion dollars!"
Poof! there was a million dollars next to him.
"Now remember the lawyer has 2 million dollars," said the genie.
Once again the man blurted out a wish impatiently. "I wish I had a Lemo and a driver!"
Poof! Suddenly there was a Lemo and a driver in his driveway.
"Remember, the lawyer has 2 Lemo's and 2 drivers." the genie said. "This is your final wish, make it a good one."
After a long period of thought, the man grabbed his shovel and handed it to the genie. Then he exclaimed, "I wish you would beat me HALF to DEATH.

Two doctors were discussing a case in a mental ward. The first doctor asked what had triggered such a profound depressive psychosis in the patient.

The second one answered, "He's a lawyer. One day at home, he started to think about how much money he'd screwed his partners and clients out of over the last few years. He laughed so hard he defecated in his pants. When he smelled the foul odour he had created, he checked for the source. Finding his trousers full of the stuff, he thought he was leaking. This caused him to go into shock and faint. When he woke up, he found he had fallen on his arm, breaking it."

The first doctor asked, "He went mad because he broke an arm?"

The second medic answered, "No, he went mad because he couldn't figure out how to sue himself!"